Maybe? Baby?

A year ago today our suspicions were confirmed, our hopes verified, and our worries just beginning.

I awoke at 3 am on May 9, 2007 in pain, nervous and unable to return to slumber. I watched Scrubs on DVD and tried to keep my mind off of my 8 am test. The test we had been waiting weeks for, anxious for results. But at 3 am I wanted the time to go by slowly. Because at 8 am it could all be over, for good.

At 6 am Ward gave me my shot on the side that was less bruised and brought me my routine breakfast of oatmeal, toast and Pomegranate juice. He filled the cooler for the day. He told me he loved me.

I got up and showered. Maybe I would take a really hot bath later. I dressed in something other than pajamas. I walked downstairs slowly. Having not been on stairs for two weeks the motion seemed awkward and uncomfortable. I drove into the city.

I made it to the office right at 8 am. The nurse took my blood. I'll work my mojo on it, she said. It was nice of her to offer, I had no mojo of my own to offer.

They'll call you later. Call Ward instead, I said.

I came straight home. I had been saving a test for home use but I decided against it. I wanted to hold on to the thought that I might be at long as I could. Ward called. Asked how I was, told me he loved me. We will be alright, he said. If my voice wasn't on the verge of cracking I would have replied.

I ate my lunch early. Maybe I would go on a diet. I called my step father and wished him a happy birthday. I called my sister to chat. She didn't know my test was that day. No one did. My brother-in-law called to ask me about a song.

I tried to take a nap. I couldn't fall asleep. I couldn't stop thinking about it for even a moment.

Ward called. 1:15. My brother called. They're having another girl. They just found out. The nurse she called too. What would be a good number?

Anything over 60.

I sit up from my lying down position. I lean over the bed. I feel dizzy and nervous. It could all end here.

What about 640? We're pregnant.

I break down. I am relieved and happy. Ward tells me that he loves me and I must stop crying. There is nothing to cry about.

But I can't seem to help it. It's virtually sobbing. You're going to make me cry. Stop, june. I'm at work.

I have to call the pharmacy for progesterone refills and the nurse to schedule a follow up test. The lady who takes my refill congratulates me on my pregnancy. She is the first. I feel giddy. Like a middle schooler up late drinking soda pop.

I call the nurse. She says they usually see numbers in the 100-200s. It's still time to be cautious. I don't let her take anything away from me, but I am a little nervous.

Ward comes home and hugs me for what seems like forever. I ask if we can go by my sisters house. He agrees.

I call and tell her that we have to go and look at light fixtures even though I am supposed to be in bed. I want to come and see my 3 week old nephew whom I haven't seen since he was a few days old. She doesn't seem to catch me in this little white lie and besides I do want to see the X-man.

We stop in and I hold my nephew. I lied. We don't have to look at fixtures.

A pregnant pause.

We're pregnant.

She hugs me and we both begin to cry. The relief in her eyes matches the way my body feels.

We head home. We eat and watch a movie. I go to sleep with a happiness I haven't know for a while, maybe ever. I sleep through the night for the first time in weeks and the last time since.

-june