An Epic Tale of Shopping and Heroism
First stop. 7-11.
We stopped in for fuel (for us not the car), a coffee for me and a coke, cherry for the missus. She stayed in the car with the kids and I went in to get everything. Inside I encountered Crazy Person #1 for the day. Nothing too bad, just some lady talking to herself at the coffee station. I thought that she was talking to the man next to her, but he walked away leaving just her and me and she kept on going as if nothing had changed. When I ended up in line behind her, with my coffee, cherry coke and two donuts, I noticed that she had stopped talking and started singing. The cashier seemed irritated as she rang up the lady's coffee and two packs of menthol cigarettes, but not shocked. I should have taken this as an omen for what lay in store for the rest of the morning.
Second Stop. Sam's.
We chose Sam's as our first real stop because of the obvious bulk nature of the purchases, 7,000 lbs. of dog food, super-jumbo packs of diapers, and 2.5 million wipes. Occasionally, Sam's will have marked down items in a cart near the entrance. Today, there was a basket full of shirts that had obviously been ruined somehow (I didn't investigate personally). There was a lady (Crazy Person #2, CP2) arguing with the lady who stands at the door and distractedly looks at your membership card, it went like this:
CP2 "Look how bad this one looks. They shouldn't even charge me."
Door Lady "I'm sure if you ask someone at customer service they can mark it down."
CP2 "But it's ruined, they should just give it to me."
Door Lady "You could probably get it for a dollar."
CP2 "But look how bad it looks, I can't believe they'd charge me for it."
Me "Then why do you even want it you FruitCake?"
June "Is something on sale?"
I'm just kidding about the end there, but come on what kind of argument is that? This is a peice of crap are you really going to charge me for it? Do you really want it then? I mean what the ...
Other than that we made it out of Sam's without any real problems, but loading the munchkins back into the Canyoneer, we noticed that Trouble was good and ready for some diaper replacement therapy.
Next. Barnes & Noble.
Our next few errands were all in the same shopping center, and Sunday morning at Barnes and Noble seemed like the most obvious choice for a peaceful diaper change. So June took the little girl to the little girls room for a quick make-over, and I took Trauma to look at CD's. That's right, no REM, and not only that I was lucky enough to attract one of those really pushy-I-need-to-be-helping-you-or-you-should-leave-my-department salespeople. I left. So I went to hang out in the children's books until June got done in the restroom. Somewhere between there and me however she ran into CP3 (that's Crazy Person #3 if you're not paying attention).
CP3, she said, was some creepy old guy who thought that she was a young (baby-toting) college girl. She was very bothered by the encounter, and I, being the sensitive supportive spouse that I am, made fun of her. I told her that she should be flattered, and that she always over-reacts whenever some stud starts flirting with her. She wasn't amused, and we left the premises immeadtately.
Still no REM CD. June bought a bag for her Laptop so that we can Blog when we go out of town next weekend to a large family gathering, which is sure to be full of entertaining situations, so all involved should beware. But, nothing weird happened.
We had a short list of about 796 things to get at Target, that's why it has to be the last stop on the trip, because June often is there to help close the store. No REM CD, dang it! We looked at Mother's Day cards, and quickly found the perfect one, which we fought over whose mother to send it to. It read: "Mom, my therapist says that it's not totally your fault for the way I turned out. Dad screwed me up plenty too." She won, it's going to her mom. Dang it again!
Last, but never least. Target.
At the end of one isle we ran into a traffic jam, which it is always bad to stop moving with the twins, standing still enboldens the freaks, and of course some stranger took advantage of this pause to pounce on us.
"Twins? Boys or girls? One of each? You've sure got your hands full. I bet you hear that all the time. They probably get lots of attention."
"No, no one has actually ever approached us, being total strangers and all, and asked us personal questions about our family. You're the first to be so bold."
Annoying as she was, this is a common event for us, so no she does not get the CP4 title. That guy is a few isles over looking at vacuum cleaners, exactly where we're headed.
My wife has somehow convinced me that we need a vacuum called 'the absolute animal' by Dyson, which costs alot even though I don't think it runs itself. When we get to the vacuum cleaner isle, there is a guy there with this very same vacuum in his cart, this is CP4 or possibly VRG1 (Very Rude Guy#1). With his vacuum already in his shopping cart, he has managed to position himself as to block access to the much-covetted Dysons. After we arrive another guy shows up with an empty cart, "Wow, everybody wants a Dyson," he says. CP4 doesn't budge. "Is that the one you want, honey," I ask pointing at the barricaded cleaners trying to be subtle (one of my strong points of course). "Yes," she says as she crawls under CP4's cart and drags out her trophy. The whole time this guy doesn't budge. When we left that isle Mr. Patience was still waiting quietly for his turn.
One more thing to get and we're done, when who should appear in the mop isle but CP3 (the guy from Barnes and Noble). 'He is kind of creepy looking' I say to myself as he flashes me a big serial killer smile and follows us, empty-handed as he was, all the way to check out. He looks back at us and grins as we wait in line and he walks out of the store, no doubt in order to set up his diabolical ambush. We have to time our exit with a big crowd of Serbian immigrants, so as to escape undetected.
We hurry to the Canyoneer and flee for our lives. Another daunting narrow escape, and we live to blog another day.
-Legal Disclaimer- This blog is based on mostly true events that actually nearly happened to us in some way, real or imagined. Some details may or may not be exaggerated to impress and entertain our loyal readers. If anyone is offended by the posting of this blog this is a truly unanticipated outcome, which we may or may not be honestly sorry about.