Quiet and Not Quite Qualified

So I had to take the twins to the doctor yesterday for their four month check-up. Bailey is still under 11 lbs!!! The doctor isn't concerned because she put on almost three pounds since two months but I still worry, even after he showed me the growth chart and that she is following 'a line' (even if it is the bottom line on the chart). Coop is doing fine though, other than his oozing eyeball.

From birth they have been telling me that Bailey would need X-rays of her hips at four months because she was breech (albeit for less than two hours), she is a girl and she was born via c-section. So they scheduled the appointment for this morning. Little girl was up half the night not feeling well thanks to the immunizations and then we had to be there this morning at 9 for her X-Rays.

Standing behind a lead window while the lady doing the X-ray is wearing a body suit and your daughter is completely exposed was NERVE WRECKING! She didn't seem to mind. I am sure it was far more stressful and worrisome for me than it was for her. That is probably going to be par for the course for some time. I am a worrier. My pediatrician thinks I am and I don't want to let him down. I asked when the results would be in (I mean, if we are going to submit our daughter to X-rays we want to know ASAP the results). She said they would send them over to the doctor this afternoon. If he doesn't call me by this afternoon I am calling there first thing in the morning. I mean I am not overly worried because she wasn't breech the entire time but my doctor has reminded me about this over and over for four months and I would like it to be over.

So then I go by the mall. I have a coupon for Macy's and it is the first Tuesday of the month (Gap 10% off day). So I am minding my own business and this lady comes up to me, and of course I am expecting her to gawk at the little ones but no, instead she needs my help choosing clothes for a baby shower. What sizes, what is good quality, how big are babies? I am a quiet person, a little shy if I don't know you. And I do not feel qualified at all to answer these questions. I mean I have only had children for four months, that doesn't make me any sort of expert. I only know what I like, I don't know what is better quality, how big or smal other babies are, and besides I just don't feel confident giving advice (unless you are related to me or read my blog). I tried, I mean really tried to overcome my shyness and be as helpful as possible but when she asked me to lunch I figured I needed to get out of there as I am always prepared for someone to overpower me and kidnap my children when I am out shopping alone (maybe I should learn Tae Kwon Do). So I bugged out of there, and FAST!

So I went into the Gap, just very quickly because you know it's the first Tuesday of the month and all. And the lady who works there (and maybe feels sorry for me or likes me or something) has .97 cent hats she is holding for me. Folks, I don't shop at the Gap that often. I wonder how long she has been holding onto these hats for me (and maybe they had just marked them down and she was just saying that). So I try to be nice but the hats were not the right size (our children's weight may be in the 10th percentile but both of their heads are in the 75th). So I head to the clearance rack, because that is my target destination whenever I shop at the Gap and the lady keeps coming asking questions about the twins and some other shoppers were asking question and I was cursing myself and my introverted ways.

I mean how can I come here and say anything and everything and way too much and yet I am always feeling like my personal space is being invaded when I go out in public?

I did get some more nifty thermal long sleeve t's from the men's section for a couple of bucks. I bought a burnt sienna one for $3 back in February and it is now my favorite shirt. I wish I could shop in the men's department all the time. I look in the women's sections at department stores but the clothes are cut funny or too low or too tight and I just leave feeling frustrated and empty handed.

So I was leaving the mall and going out of a door that doesn't have automatic doors and there is this guy standing right behind me, still invading my personal space and yet not holding the door for me and my Duo Glider. I made it to the car and loaded the Canyoneer and left feeling slightly misanthropic.

-june

So We Went Out Shopping With The Twins Again...

or,

An Epic Tale of Shopping and Heroism
Starring Us

First stop. 7-11.

We stopped in for fuel (for us not the car), a coffee for me and a coke, cherry for the missus. She stayed in the car with the kids and I went in to get everything. Inside I encountered Crazy Person #1 for the day. Nothing too bad, just some lady talking to herself at the coffee station. I thought that she was talking to the man next to her, but he walked away leaving just her and me and she kept on going as if nothing had changed. When I ended up in line behind her, with my coffee, cherry coke and two donuts, I noticed that she had stopped talking and started singing. The cashier seemed irritated as she rang up the lady's coffee and two packs of menthol cigarettes, but not shocked. I should have taken this as an omen for what lay in store for the rest of the morning.


Second Stop. Sam's.

We chose Sam's as our first real stop because of the obvious bulk nature of the purchases, 7,000 lbs. of dog food, super-jumbo packs of diapers, and 2.5 million wipes. Occasionally, Sam's will have marked down items in a cart near the entrance. Today, there was a basket full of shirts that had obviously been ruined somehow (I didn't investigate personally). There was a lady (Crazy Person #2, CP2) arguing with the lady who stands at the door and distractedly looks at your membership card, it went like this:

CP2 "Look how bad this one looks. They shouldn't even charge me."

Door Lady "I'm sure if you ask someone at customer service they can mark it down."

CP2 "But it's ruined, they should just give it to me."

Door Lady "You could probably get it for a dollar."

CP2 "But look how bad it looks, I can't believe they'd charge me for it."

Me "Then why do you even want it you FruitCake?"

June "Is something on sale?"

I'm just kidding about the end there, but come on what kind of argument is that? This is a peice of crap are you really going to charge me for it? Do you really want it then? I mean what the ...

Other than that we made it out of Sam's without any real problems, but loading the munchkins back into the Canyoneer, we noticed that Trouble was good and ready for some diaper replacement therapy.


Next. Barnes & Noble.

Our next few errands were all in the same shopping center, and Sunday morning at Barnes and Noble seemed like the most obvious choice for a peaceful diaper change. So June took the little girl to the little girls room for a quick make-over, and I took Trauma to look at CD's. That's right, no REM, and not only that I was lucky enough to attract one of those really pushy-I-need-to-be-helping-you-or-you-should-leave-my-department salespeople. I left. So I went to hang out in the children's books until June got done in the restroom. Somewhere between there and me however she ran into CP3 (that's Crazy Person #3 if you're not paying attention).

CP3, she said, was some creepy old guy who thought that she was a young (baby-toting) college girl. She was very bothered by the encounter, and I, being the sensitive supportive spouse that I am, made fun of her. I told her that she should be flattered, and that she always over-reacts whenever some stud starts flirting with her. She wasn't amused, and we left the premises immeadtately.

Then. Best Buy.

Still no REM CD. June bought a bag for her Laptop so that we can Blog when we go out of town next weekend to a large family gathering, which is sure to be full of entertaining situations, so all involved should beware. But, nothing weird happened.

Last, but never least. Target.

We had a short list of about 796 things to get at Target, that's why it has to be the last stop on the trip, because June often is there to help close the store. No REM CD, dang it! We looked at Mother's Day cards, and quickly found the perfect one, which we fought over whose mother to send it to. It read: "Mom, my therapist says that it's not totally your fault for the way I turned out. Dad screwed me up plenty too." She won, it's going to her mom. Dang it again!
At the end of one isle we ran into a traffic jam, which it is always bad to stop moving with the twins, standing still enboldens the freaks, and of course some stranger took advantage of this pause to pounce on us.

"Twins? Boys or girls? One of each? You've sure got your hands full. I bet you hear that all the time. They probably get lots of attention."

"No, no one has actually ever approached us, being total strangers and all, and asked us personal questions about our family. You're the first to be so bold."

Annoying as she was, this is a common event for us, so no she does not get the CP4 title. That guy is a few isles over looking at vacuum cleaners, exactly where we're headed.
My wife has somehow convinced me that we need a vacuum called 'the absolute animal' by Dyson, which costs alot even though I don't think it runs itself. When we get to the vacuum cleaner isle, there is a guy there with this very same vacuum in his cart, this is CP4 or possibly VRG1 (Very Rude Guy#1). With his vacuum already in his shopping cart, he has managed to position himself as to block access to the much-covetted Dysons. After we arrive another guy shows up with an empty cart, "Wow, everybody wants a Dyson," he says. CP4 doesn't budge. "Is that the one you want, honey," I ask pointing at the barricaded cleaners trying to be subtle (one of my strong points of course). "Yes," she says as she crawls under CP4's cart and drags out her trophy. The whole time this guy doesn't budge. When we left that isle Mr. Patience was still waiting quietly for his turn.

One more thing to get and we're done, when who should appear in the mop isle but CP3 (the guy from Barnes and Noble). 'He is kind of creepy looking' I say to myself as he flashes me a big serial killer smile and follows us, empty-handed as he was, all the way to check out. He looks back at us and grins as we wait in line and he walks out of the store, no doubt in order to set up his diabolical ambush. We have to time our exit with a big crowd of Serbian immigrants, so as to escape undetected.

We hurry to the Canyoneer and flee for our lives. Another daunting narrow escape, and we live to blog another day.

-Ward



-Legal Disclaimer- This blog is based on mostly true events that actually nearly happened to us in some way, real or imagined. Some details may or may not be exaggerated to impress and entertain our loyal readers. If anyone is offended by the posting of this blog this is a truly unanticipated outcome, which we may or may not be honestly sorry about.

I'm Glad I had Children and I Hope They Visit

An elderly woman was found by her apartment manager after being stuck in the tub for five days. Five days folks. She took a bath and then couldn't get out and had to wait until someone came to help her get out.

Five days. Of going to the toilet in the tub. Of not eating in the tub. Of sleeping in the tub. Of nakedness in the tub. Of not bathing because you are stuck in a tub with your waste, which is probably not a whole lot anyways because your not eating.

At least it was the tub and therefore water was availble whenever she pleased because otherwise maybe she wouldn't have survivied.

I wonder did she not have children who lived nearby? But then again I go five months without talking to my mother, this could happen to her and no one would even know about it. I am glad I have children and I am going to be nice to them from now on because not only do they choose your nursing home they may save you from the tub.

When I am older I hope I have children with whom I am close and I hope they visit.

-June

Join My Revolution!

As some of you may know I am strongly in favor of reforming the Two-Party-Political-Circus that passes for Government around here. I have never liked the idea of voting for a candidate based on what political party they represented, because (in my humble opinion) each party has at least as many major flaws as it does good points, and yes I think that they both have good points.

I have always leaned to the left on social issues, and until recently I never cared much about fiscal issues, but I tend to lean right there. For instance, I don't think that a big government is a good government. I don't think that our current welfare system does anything but encourage people to be lazy and avoid responsibility for their own actions. I also think that our tax system could be refined to encourage economic growth, so that the President doesn't have to send everyone a check for $300 dollars every four years (I know that does help get us all through the tough times).

I know, I know, I sound like a republican. Here's the catch, I don't think that I'm better than other people, or that my belief system needs to be shoved down other peoples' throats. I heard one of the Republican candidates talking about Family Values the other day and I thought to myself, "I agree that stronger family units would probably strengthen our society." BUT, the same candidate doesn't think that gay people should have the same rights to have a strong family unit that he thinks is so important. WHY? If anyone can give me a reason for this, for thinking that someone is somehow sub-human for choosing a different lifestyle, I would love to hear it.

There are a few other things also: I don't think that the government should have any say over Scientific Research, morality should be left up to individuals to decide, I'd bet that very few people dying of cancer feel that that is what god really wants for them. I don't think that we need to pay for a government to worry about our health care and retirement for us. Why not, instead of paying them, just save our own money for retirement and pay our own healthcare? I know, because that doesn't leave anything for the poor. There is always the possibility of getting a job.

But don't get me wrong, I'm no ordinary bleeding heart liberal either. I hate that we have prisons full of useless social parisites. First off, why do convicted murders, having exhausted all forms of appeal, die of old age costing us hundreds of thousands of dollars each? And the others, why not work them. There are millions of menial jobs that could be preformed by inmates. Prisons could make profits for their states. But wait, is it inhumane to make someone work for a living?

All I'm saying is that we should be able to easily see that we can clearly do better as a nation. If everyone took a little more interest in thier own well-being, and a little less interest in what their neighbors are doing, we could all get along better. I think that we should remember that we are RESPONSIBLE for not only ourselves, but for what this monstrosity of a government does. I think we need to step up people.

-Ward