My Little Heartbreaker

Trauma is sleeping. He is wearing a one piece I picked up last week at Old Navy, it says “Heartbreaker” on the front. And I think he is adorable, but I am his mom and I am biased.

Though it is a cute little number, I think to myself, please don’t break any girls (or boys, I suppose) hearts. I know it is inevitable. We can’t always be all things to all people; he will probably leave a girl feeling heartbroken, even if it isn’t his intention.

This is how my day goes. When the twins are not hungry or in need of changing I think about all the things to come. How will I keep Trouble safe? How will I raise Trauma to be sincere and not hurt those he loves? How do I explain our beliefs so that they understand? How do I make the point clear that education is important and that learning doesn’t end with a diploma or degree? My worries don’t stop at are they getting enough to drink and are they growing adequately, they comprise the distant future, I assume that if I think ahead I can prepare them and help them be ready for all the challenges ahead.

But I guess that is motherhood, and I don’t mind the post. But I am worried that I will fail; that even with my good intentions and aspirations that I will let these two down somehow. And maybe that’s just another part of the job, but it is a difficult job, harder than I had assumed. At least when done right, when given your all. I don’t want to take shortcuts or lead them down the wrong paths, but I wasn’t given a good example and I am afraid I’ll fall short.

These two little lightweights that are already causing me so much trouble are a dream come true. But in the dream everything was so much simpler; the answers would already be there whenever I needed them. In the years leading up to their arrival, we had so much time to think and discuss how we would raise them, and we were as prepared as you can be before you enter parenthood. But it is impossible to have all the answers stockpiled.

I want to be the smartest, bravest, toughest, funniest person they know. I want to be a good role model. I want to have all the answers.

But it isn’t enough to want, you have to be.

So I vow that I will be the best role model that I can be. That I will help them find the answers, even if I don’t already have them. That I will laugh with them whenever I get the chance. That I will be there for them when hard times hit, and they will occasionally.

Trauma is awake. He is looking at me, I rub my finger down his nose and I poke lightly at his cheeks. He smiles and I think I can do anything.

-June