Thursday, March 20, 2008

The Darkness Infiltrates

It is late and where as my mind should be asleep and dreaming it is awake and wondering.

I hate when people surprise me by doing something even though it is expected. I find myself shocked even though I shouldn’t be, even though I was looking for failure or to be let down. I am waiting for the eventual disappointment that is inevitable. Sometimes I think my expectations of others are too high, that my expectations for life in general are too high. I want people to be a certain way and when they’re not, when they let me down, I take it personally. I try to change the wrong people and most people don’t want change, they want their flaws to go unnoticed, I know I do. I try to overlook these flaws, to move on, to be happy regardless, but sometimes it is a struggle. I spend too long wondering what I’ve done wrong, what I could do differently to make the other people I love be different. But it isn’t going to happen, people will not change if they don’t want to, people who want to change have a hard time doing so and if you don’t have the desire to change you might as well not bother.

I get wrapped up in emotion, wondering where the people I once knew are now. Thinking what I could have done different if I wanted. Blaming my parents for things to put less responsibility on my actions and choices.

Sometimes I sit back and listen to the other people in a room discussing their lives, their situations and I know that no one has everything. Take a room I was in this evening. Some have the job they always wanted though I am sure not everyday is like The Office. Some have the husband who buys them flowers often and proposed marriage with prior arrangements with the family, a 2 karat ring and a long hot air balloon ride. Others have the children they longed for through an adoption journey. One or two have the jobs, the husband, the children and more. But some of the pretty ones can’t find husbands. Some of the rich hate their jobs. Some of the marrieds have husbands who cheat. Some of the singles just want a baby. Some of the others have financial strain. It’s evident by this small sample that life is easy for no one and struggles are plentiful.

I for one have the children I had dreamed of for so long and life so far with them has met every expectation and brought some wonderful surprises. At Bunko tonight a lady whose daughter is ten days younger than my children was there with her baby. It made it difficult to stay very long because I was constantly thinking about my children whom I was away from. I came home and checked in on them, I even thought about sleeping on the floor of their room but sleep couldn’t find me there so I headed here.

I am downhearted, but only for the moment. The balance in my life always hangs to the positive happy side, I am sure in the morning I will be fine.

Sorry to burden you readers with my current state of discontent.



wesley's mom said...

I do this too. I have just the right balance of conceit and self loathing. I know that I am such a loser that I must be the reason for other peoples actions, and I am such the center of the universe that I cannot imagine that it could just be that the other person is a loser. I mean if they are a loser why would I care what they do, and I CARE so they must be worthwhile.

It is so much work being crazy. I find myself tired all the time.

PS~I hope I'm not the loser keeping you up all night.

Ward and June said...

Don't worry, it was actually a combo of losers but neither of them was you.

Today is the first day of spring and I am wearing shorts in celebration and trying to tackle a long list of things to keep my mind off of the losers in my life.

It isn't easy being crazy, no matter what your brother thinks.