I like to think that I have everything 'together'. I know that I am crazy but I like to think it's because I want to be, that it adds to my personality and flair. However, the past two days, I have been feeling more like the crazy is less something I have control over and more something that is taking over.
I was stressed when I was pregnant with Bailey and Cooper. They were the result of an expensive and stressful IVF procedure. I was worried almost constantly that I would lose one or both of them. I was troubled with thoughts of preterm labor and long NICU stays. Fortunately, everything seemed to work out. The babies came full term and healthy and the last year has been really wonderful.
But I have been feeling a lot less balanced this pregnancy, so unbalanced that at times I even fall over. I have responsibilities that I just didn't have to worry about the last time around. I am worried about the small day to day realities of three children under two. How will I get them in and out of the car? I am concerned about the jealousy that will likely deepen as it has already begun to rear its ugly head around here. I am still overjoyed about this baby, I am just feeling a little less levelheaded and a slight bit more looney.
But back to these past two days. I have a child, I won't say which one, who is really suffering from seperation anxiety. I hardly ever leave the children alone, maybe two or three times a month for a few hours, but this seperation anxiety arises even when I don't leave. It occurs when I try to go to the bathroom or retrieve a pair of socks from my dresser drawer in the next room. As soon as my face is no longer in view, the crying ensues. This could make me feel good, my children love me so much they can't bear the thought of my absence, but it really doesn't. I just feel retched for having to go to the bathroom.
On top of the seperation anxiety I have two children who have begun fighting over their toys. One of them tends to be the agressor and takes just about anything from the other one. The defender runs to mom, pointing and crying. It is happening constantly. Today, I finally had to just take a certain toy away because it was being battled over non-stop. I felt like a big meanie but I just didn't know what else to do.
When the best toy in the whole wide world was taken out of commission for the rest of the afternoon the children resorted to more fun antics. Thier next mission they worked together on, which is nice, that they at times work together, and it involved driving mom bananas because they can't see just how close I already am to being committed. They started going through cabinets, rolling high chairs all around the house and terrifying the bigger of our dumb dogs who likes to quietly growl so that I think something bad is going to happen. It isn't that these things are so bad, it's just I felt like it had been a long afternoon by this point. We ate some Nilla wafers and decided it may be best for nap time.
My biggest problem is that I want everything always to be perfect. I want to remedy the seperation anxiety. I want to have toddlers that treat each other nicely all the time. I want to have children that work together but not on destroying the house. I shouldn't probably expect these things until 16 months or so but I can be very demanding.
I am really just nervous that I am turning into a terrible mother. I really wish I had all the right answers and said all the right things. Instead, I feel I am making the worst decisions possible.
While I am disclosing everything you want to know something else? Sometimes ALL I think I want is help but then I am faced with two more problems. First, I want help but I am not very good about specifying what I think is helping and I often am so stressed about the 'help' being truly helpful that I waste these wonderful oportunities to get things done. Secondly, I hate what happens when the help has to go back to work or go home, that feeling of no longer having help. Often, I think it's best to just do it on my own and then I am not disappointed.