Since coming home two weeks ago I have been trying to catch up on sleep that I lost during our extended hospital stay. I know this is ridiculous as one can never catch lost sleep, it is lost forever. One can only hope to get more sleep and feel replinished enough to go on. I have yet to feel rested, and have faced the reality that sleep is a thing of the past.
I try to do as all the books recommend. I try to sleep when they sleep. But there are two of them and they like to sleep in shifts. I think maybe they want to keep me company.
I try to be keep things loud and bright during the day and dark and quiet at night. My children seem to prefer the dark and quiet for their wakeful hours. I try to play soft music, they want to stay up and hear the next song perhaps.
I try to remember that babies don't know what a schedule is, and that it could be months before they sleep for several hours at a time at night.
But last night...
My son decided 9 p.m. was as good a time as any to finally awake from a sleepy day to party with mom. Ward, who hasn't been getting any sleep, had temporarily moved to the guest bedroom so he doesn't fall asleep while framing a roof and fall off. At first spending this time with my son was nice as he had been asleep all day but at around 11 p.m. I started to wonder when he would go to sleep. He'd been fed, changed twice, held, sang to, rocked, left to cry while I was panged with guilt of him losing his trust in me (thank you for this fear Dr. Sears).
At midnight, still wide-eyed, I fed him again.
At 12:45 a.m. his sister decided she wanted to join in on all the fun.
At 1:30 I let my son cry himself to sleep, leaving me to feel like a complete failure.
At 2:30 I let my daughter come to bed with me in the hopes that I could get some rest.
At 4 a.m. they were both hungry and needed to be changed.
At 5 a.m. with them both awake, I thought to myself what do people mean by sleeping like a baby. Do people really want to wake up every hour hungry? I, on the other hand, want to sleep like a teenager.
Finally, sometime around 6 a.m. I fell asleep and managed three hours. Three hours of sleep at this point is amazing. A gift almost.
I hate to wish my children's life away as I am constantly warned that they are only little once, but I find myself dreaming of the future as I read promises from baby books that one day my babies will sleep for six hours at night.
If they could manage to pull together and sleep these six hours at the same time, well that would be like winning the lottery for me. Here's to hoping my odds are better than 1 in 10 million.