Thursday, December 17, 2009

It'e been 7 months and 15 days...or something like that.

Most of the world has surely forgotten by now the chaos that overcame my life earlier this year when a good friend of mine and my mother came across my blog in the same week. Who are we kidding, only a handful of people have ever even read my blog, but I assure you that most of them have probably forgotten and didn't even care to begin with.

Who can't get over it? Me. Almost daily and sometimes several times a day I rethink my bad judgement. How could I have been so, so,...you know, the way that I was, so carefree and dumb. Telling the internets anything and everything that came to my mind was a great source of post ideas but it was also a lot more trouble than I ever imagined.

I have been very careful about my writing ever since with the exception of my last post. I let loose because I felt frustrated. I pour over details and make sure that I don't divulge too many charaterizing details or information and mostly stick to topics that revolve safely around my own life. It's so interesting, I know, I apologize. I liked it better when I could tell you about my crazy childhood and the mother I've never understood or really known. But I am trying to grow up, act my age, set a good example and not receive any hate mail. So here we are.

Today when I logged on to tell you about first tantrums and full bags of popcorn thrown away while still hot from Target's heating lamps I noticed my blog had two comments that needed to be moderated. Now I have no reason why these comments needed to be moderated other than the posts themselves were written over 20 months ago. I read the comments, they were delightful, but my heartbeat increased and a wave of nausea overcame me as I hit 'read' on them because folks- I live in fear.

I live in fear that I will hurt someone else's feelings by the simplest phrase or topic. I worry that my fear is really trapping me from writing about the sort of things I wanted to write about when I first began my blog two years ago.

Do I just scream from the rooftops that this is who I am and make no amends for it? Do I keep silent? Do I just get over myself already?

I wanted to post about the audacity of putting melatonin in sippy cups but I'm worried about the flaming I would recieve from workers at the Covenant Apostolic Church. I mean, I'm sure they had their reasons, right?

I ask myself, who is really suffering here?

2 comments:

wesley's mom (sue) said...

Finding a balance is hard. I'll let you know if I ever figure it out.

I don't know the melatonin story. You'll have to call me.

More than a Mom said...

I'm following you now from MBC.