Off Target

After every race we run my sister asks, "Isn't running addictive?" I am usually so high from running and out of breath that I just shake my head and stretch, but lately I have been thinking more and more about the addictive powers of running.

Now keep in mind I haven't gone for a run since Saturday's 8 plus mile trail and path run at the Blackwater Creek and I haven't even once experienced the shakes, with the exception of Tuesday afternoon when I hadn't been able to keep anything in my stomach for hours. But I am beginning to go a little stir crazy that I can't seem to find the time to run. Boy, I never thought I would say-or type-that.

I think about running several times a day. I think about how best to train. I contemplate my goals, both short term and long term, and constantly restructure where I want to see myself next spring, next summer, the summer after that. I worry about preventing Vitamin D deficiencies and ankle pains. If addicted I am not, obsessed I most certainly am.

Last week, that's right, as early as the 8th I was already compiling my 2010 resolutions. I have several this year, most of which are focused on my running and my training. I want to be faster. I want to run further. I want to run more often. My actual goals are far more outlined than that, but I'm still thinking them over, I'll let you know in two weeks the actual resolutions for the upcoming year.

The cold weather has finally settled in and has me already rather annoyed. The Jingle Bell Fun Run, a 5 mile run through downtown Lynchburg, has been cancelled due to impending snow. Our training for Sunday at the Blackwater Creek Trails has been cancelled due to freezing temperatures, small children and the fear of ice.

One thing I have been considering, ever since my first race this past September, is running a half marathon next year. I know I should say full marathon but I believe in taking smaller steps. There are several next fall that look promising and we would have the whole spring and summer to prepare. One in particular, at a beach not too overly far from here, is really playing my tune. I think I may have Todd convinced that we should participate.

So addicted to running? Maybe.

Addicted to the thought of it? Most definitely.

It'e been 7 months and 15 days...or something like that.

Most of the world has surely forgotten by now the chaos that overcame my life earlier this year when a good friend of mine and my mother came across my blog in the same week. Who are we kidding, only a handful of people have ever even read my blog, but I assure you that most of them have probably forgotten and didn't even care to begin with.

Who can't get over it? Me. Almost daily and sometimes several times a day I rethink my bad judgement. How could I have been so, so,...you know, the way that I was, so carefree and dumb. Telling the internets anything and everything that came to my mind was a great source of post ideas but it was also a lot more trouble than I ever imagined.

I have been very careful about my writing ever since with the exception of my last post. I let loose because I felt frustrated. I pour over details and make sure that I don't divulge too many charaterizing details or information and mostly stick to topics that revolve safely around my own life. It's so interesting, I know, I apologize. I liked it better when I could tell you about my crazy childhood and the mother I've never understood or really known. But I am trying to grow up, act my age, set a good example and not receive any hate mail. So here we are.

Today when I logged on to tell you about first tantrums and full bags of popcorn thrown away while still hot from Target's heating lamps I noticed my blog had two comments that needed to be moderated. Now I have no reason why these comments needed to be moderated other than the posts themselves were written over 20 months ago. I read the comments, they were delightful, but my heartbeat increased and a wave of nausea overcame me as I hit 'read' on them because folks- I live in fear.

I live in fear that I will hurt someone else's feelings by the simplest phrase or topic. I worry that my fear is really trapping me from writing about the sort of things I wanted to write about when I first began my blog two years ago.

Do I just scream from the rooftops that this is who I am and make no amends for it? Do I keep silent? Do I just get over myself already?

I wanted to post about the audacity of putting melatonin in sippy cups but I'm worried about the flaming I would recieve from workers at the Covenant Apostolic Church. I mean, I'm sure they had their reasons, right?

I ask myself, who is really suffering here?

December? Seriously? Already? Are you sure?

Sometimes I think I am surely the worst blogger ever. Very often I have clever and witty things to say, or at least I think I do but I very seldom have the time to share my witty and clever things.

To be honest I have never felt so busy and overwhelmed in my entire life. You see I have been busy before, in college or when we were building our house, perhaps on a project or when I had a job. But there was always a foreseeable ending to that episode of busyness (spell check recognizes busyness, is it a word? I don't have the time to check?) The thing is now that I don't even have the time to finish a blog post in one setting, or make a phone call to my favorite sister-in-law or soak in the tub without falling asleep within five minutes and I really don't see us slowing down. Not for 18 years or so.

In fact we seem to just be making our lives more and more hectic all the time. Taking up running, throwing more holiday parties than we have friends. But I feel great. Sure there are days I feel like I could tear all of my hair out or could slap the fifteenth person in a row to give me the 'you sure have your hands full' line but then there are days where I truly feel like a very lucky woman.

Thanksgiving was a blast. The day itself was busy, we had a run which was a tad bit disappointing but my entire family was there and we all had breakfast together afterwards so that was nice. Then I went home and worked on dinner for seven all afternoon, but it too was rewarding. Afterwards we boxed up what was left and took a care package to my brother and his girlfriend who were camped out at Best Buy.

Friday I got up early and went shopping with my family and then my brother, his girlfriend and my sister came over and helped me prepare our annual day after thanksgiving feast. This was the 8th year we have done it and this was by far the least stressful year yet. I even snuck a few things in, like Carrot Souffle, when I noticed we were ahead of schedule. The dinner had a huge turnout and it was as always, a lot of fun.

The rest of the weekend was busy with family and training and the four day weekend ended as soon as it began. This week I have been trying to squeeze in more training for our last race of the year without much luck. On Thanksgiving I ran the Genesis House Turkey Trot, but I didn't come in with any of my goals, it was a rougher course than I had expected but it was the first time I had really been disappointed with my results. Tomorrows race is also a bit hilly which I know I am not prepared as I should be for but there is also going to be freezing temperatures and perhaps snow or rain. I am going to try and go back to my goal of just finishing the best that I can and hope that works for the other side of my brain that likes to put down the rest of my body when I don't meet the goals I have set of myself.